Bret asked me last night
"Has your life ever been better than right now?"
"No, " I said.
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.: posted by Vera 
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Unbreakable
Today I was talking to a dear friend of mine, and the subject of my parents came up and how they left me in a mental hospital for two months when I was ten years old, upon the recommendation of a psychiatrist. My friend asked me why I ended up in a mental hospital. I told him that when I was 10, I was very upset and very depressed and wanted to die and that I was screaming and throwing things, and my parents didn't know how to deal with me anymore.
"Why didn't they just give you something unbreakable to throw?" my friend asked. "That's what I would have done." My friend has two children.
To my parents' defense, they really didn't know what to do and felt completely helpless. They were afraid that I was going to harm myself. Just recently my mom told me that on the day they took me to the hospital, I had been lying on my back on the kitchen floor, pressing the back of a chair against my chest and screaming "Put me to sleep!" I actually don't remember doing that, but that's intense. So they followed the psychiatrist's advice of keeping me in a mental hospital until further notice.
But my friend's questioning comment reminded me that this year I started questioning my parents' choice for the first time ever. Up until this year, I had been thinking something like this: I was sick. I had to go to the hospital. My parents did what they had to do. It was sad but that's just the way it had to be.
But below that part of the story were more subconscious thoughts that have been undermining all of my relationships for god knows how long. I didn't realize this until this year, but the day I was left in the hospital I subconsciously decided the following about myself:
There is something fundamentally wrong with me.
Even the people that love me can't deal with me.
My feelings have no place in this world.
It's easy to give up on me.
I am very rejectable.
I am unlovable.
I had been carrying around these ideas about myself ever since then. And every time somebody rejected me, I took that as further evidence that there is something wrong with me, and blah blah blah, and that I am unlovable. I believe that that's why I have had three periods of major depression following the rejection from a boy.
But a few months ago I had the foresight to start questioning everything I thought I knew about my going to the hospital, first in my own head and then during a phone conversation with my mom. In a fit of tears I told my mom that it was wrong of them to leave me in the hospital, that they should have kept me with them at home, and that they should have found a way to deal with me, their own child. I also told her that I don't necessarily believe this as truth, but that I had to defend it as a perspective for the sake of my own future, for the sake of taking my life back and being able to enter relationships feeling like a right person. My mom said that she didn't have to agree but she agreed to listen.
And by questioning my parents' choice to leave me in the mental hospital, I was finally able to seriously question the ideas that there was something wrong with me and that I was rejectable.
And when talking to my friend today, I realized that I have been mentioning to several different friends lately the conversation with my mom as one of the key parts of this year's healing. It was almost as if that was the final missing piece of the puzzle.
I feel really different now. I finally know, really know, that I am a lovable person and that there is nothing wrong with me. I finally know, really know, that all my feelings have a place in this world, and that it's okay to express every part of myself. And finally, when somebody rejects me now, in any way, I don't internalize it anymore; I don't interpret it as evidence that there is something wrong with me; I just accept that they have declined what I am offering but that I am still a right person.
This is a very bold statement but in a way I feel that before, any rejection broke me because of the things I believed about myself, but now, I am unbreakable because of the things I know about myself.
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.: posted by Vera
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Reinvention
In case you haven't noticed: I redesigned my blog template. Through an unfortunate key stroke I lost my template last week. As I was putting energy into rebuilding it, I felt forced/nudged to redesign it as well. I realized that I'm not the colorful butterfly sitting on a rock with her back turned towards you anymore; I am now looking straight at you, and black is as much of a color in my world as are green and pink. Thus my new design was born.
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.: posted by Vera
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A very Mary Burning Man 2007 - part 2
(in case you missed part 1)
On Thursday I was hanging out with Jay at his camp when the hearse drove by. He looked at me, and I quickly grabbed all my shit and ran. I ran alongside the driving car and waved at Creech and his wife Cyndi. They stopped and invited me in for a ride. Just when we reached the open playa, a huge dust storm started raging. Our joyride turned into more of a hellride, but at least we were better off inside the car than all the people outside. And of course we had Creech's awesome music selections to listen to. It turned out that Creech had been the DJ at Spike's Vampire Bar the night before when I had danced on stage. When the hearse finally reached 9 o'clock plaza again, I ran to my van for cover and a nap.
That night I didn't have any plans and was about to just venture out on my own when a cute young boy I had recently met in San Francisco showed up at my camp looking for me. I couldn't believe my luck! Now I had a party buddy, a cute one too. He suggested we go see a fire performance his friend was in. I suggested we share a mushroom chocolate afterwards. We did both. I started feeling it when we were checking out the oil tower. Suddenly I had to be close to the ground and giggle a lot, and the lights on my bike became very interesting. We left the oil tower and wandered out into the playa towards the orange fence. Along the way we saw tall trees that looked like snakes and a pink tree that looked like a ghost. We looked for these stationary cupcakes the boy had rested in one morning but of course they were all taken, so we laid onto the playa on our backs and looked at the stars and at my boots. I had a lot of fun sticking my boots up into the sky and kicking the stars. I also had a lot of fun looking at the boy's face because it looked like a lion or a dragon or something, and the city was right behind him and it looked like ants milling about, except the ants were colorful lights. And the boy had to giggle when he looked at my face because the tire of my bike was right behind my face, and he said that it was looking very bored. And the idea that my bike tire was bored felt so funny and so true at the same time that it became the funniest thing I had heard in a long time, and that's when I decided that I want to trip with a buddy more often.
When we got up from the playa, it was time for our first make-out session, and that's when we decided that we should probably find a place to lie down. So we made out on a couch in a camp on the Esplanade, then we rode on a merry-go-round, and there were other people on the merry-go-round, and I remembered that there are other beings in the world besides myself and the boy, and then we retreated to my camp and my van. The van was a-rockin' for a while, and it was really fun, especially when I found out that he is into biting and choking and scratching.
In the morning we talked for a long time, and then he left, and I didn't see him for the rest of Burning Man, and I was okay with that.
Later that day I was just getting ready to ride my bike around and explore when my dear friend Kelly showed up. Again, I had a serendipitous buddy to ride around with. While we rode around, it looked like rain, which was weird because I had never seen it rain on the playa. After a while we rode to Kelly's camp. We hung out with her campmates, had a little to eat and to drink, danced a little at Pink Mammoth and later ended up at some fitness camp where we danced around imitating various aerobics instructors. The most amusing part of this was watching Kelly's friend Cole who was really getting in touch with her butt. She even said "My butt likes to have a voice."
At one point while walking around with Kelly and her campmates, I put on some sun block. A boy came running out of a camp with a bottle of spray-on sun block and said "Here, this is so much easier." Kelly and I couldn't stop spraying sun block onto ourselves. The feeling of the liquid hitting our skin felt so good.
After we made it back to Kelly's camp, another dust storm hit. Everybody ran for cover, but Kelly and I and this guy Ian stayed out and did silly dances for a while. It was so fun. Silly dances rock. Then I went home. And that's when we did end up having a little bit of rain, which resulted in the most epic rainbow.
That night (it was now Friday) I decided to tag along with the LA crew, which had just grown by several people: Will and Vanessa who had just arrived, and a girl Aras was hanging out with. I was not having a lot of fun though because 1) our group was too big, 2) I felt like I didn't belong, and 3) they were riding their bikes really fast, and I had a hard time keeping up. Eventually we split up, and I ended up with Vytas and Matt, which made me feel safer because I knew them better than the others, but at the same time I felt like they really wanted to meet girls and that I was cock-blocking them. I know that that's not really what I was doing but what is true is that I felt uneasy.
At some point I heard Depeche Mode and I looked over, and there was Club Verboten! I had been to the Depeche Mode party at Club Verboten last year. But immediately I started feeling pangs in my stomach, and I said to Matt and Vytas "I have to tell you guys a story." So I told them that last year at the Depeche Mode party I had met somebody who ended up breaking my heart. "That week?" Matt asked. "No, about two months later." "Oh," Matt and Vytas said, and then they said nothing, and I didn't feel very understood or satisfied with their reaction, but I also don't know what else I expected.
When we got to Opulent Temple, they headed straight into the deep crowd, and I stayed behind, losing them on purpose. So I found myself alone, and at first I was like "Shit. What am I going to do now?" And then I remembered the Depeche Mode party. While it had made me sick to my stomach earlier, I now knew that that's where I had to go.
As soon as I walked in, I saw Creech and Alice from the hearse camp. I danced to every single song, first with Creech, then by myself and then with Alice. It felt so good, and I couldn't imagine that dancing to any kind of electronic music right then would have been better than dancing to Depeche Mode. My arms and legs were happily floating through the air. When But Not Tonight played - a song I wasn't even really familiar with - I felt so happy, I could have cried. It reminded me that I was in a much better space now than last year or even an hour ago with Matt and Vytas.
After they played my favorite song twice, the Depeche Mode party eventually ended, and Alice and I hugged good-bye. I floated outside and didn't really know what to do next. My ears guided me first to a psytrance party, but it wasn't very satisfying, so I asked my ears again, and this time they guided me to the El Circo dome! I was very pleased because the El Circo dome tends get all animalistic and shamanistic on Friday nights, which I had experienced first-hand three years ago. The animal energy, just like last time, made me feel kind of anxious. But I had a lot of fun dancing, and then I ran into my friend Kyle, and we talked a little bit about the anxiety, which he was feeling very strongly as well. His theory was that we get anxious because the animal energy is so strong, and even though it's a good energy, it implies anarchy, and the lack of rules or control is what makes us nervous because we are used to having rules. I wasn't sure I agreed completely with his theory because for me, there was also a piece of uneasiness around conformity - because El Circo is all about tribal headpieces and feathers and leather, and I with my lack of feathers and leathers didn't feel like I was going by the rules. But maybe that's just my own personal story, and maybe Kyle's personal story was what was causing HIS anxiety, and maybe each person's anxiety is created by their own personal story, and the animal energy just puts us in touch with what our story is? I don't know.
After that I was ready to call it a night but oh, now I had to walk home! Matt and Vytas and I had left our bikes at camp at some point and continued on foot. My feet were killing me, and now I had to walk all the way from 2 o'clock to 9 o'clock, and that is quite the journey. I started walking and thought to myself "It sure would be nice to have a ride now." And when I was approaching the man (almost half-way home), an art bike stopped in front of me, and the "driver" said "Do you need a ride?" And I said "Yes!" and hopped on. The bike had a double seat and two sets of pedals. We pedaled me all the way home. The guy said he wasn't sure if he should ask me if I needed a ride when he saw me because I might think he was a creep. But when I told him that a ride had been exactly what I needed, he was just as happy as I was that he had stopped. He also said that the synchronicity of it all had made our encounter one of his favorite playa moments so far.
I walked into my camp with a huge smile on my face but then things got even better: Our neighbors next door were playing a Pet Shop Boys marathon, including all the videos, which were projected onto a huge screen. Each new song that come on rang a bell of recognition and fondness inside me and almost moved me to tears. I thought "If the Being Boring video comes on, I am just going to die." I had seen the Being Boring video on MTV when I was 14. It had affected me deeply because in it were a beautiful boy and a beautiful girl playing together in a bubble bath, and I had wondered if I would ever be naked with a boy in a field of bubbles. I hadn't seen the video since then. I was starting to get tired, and after a few more songs I walked over to the DJ/VJ Tom and thanked him for the Pet Shop Boys treat and asked him about Being Boring, and sure enough, it was coming up three songs from the one we were on. I went to the bathroom and grabbed a blanket and sat down for what felt a little like my own little Pet Shop Boys show and journey into the past, staged by Mary. Shortly after Being Boring I went to sleep and felt absolutely blessed.
The next day I went out with Marc and Sheri to take some pinhole shots. We took one of the lotus flower, one of the tree house and one of the flying monkeys. At the tree house I ran into Amy and Jay and also Nicole and Whit. I really wanted to go up there with them because I had heard that it was amazing up there but there was a line, and I had work to do. But instead I got to swing on the tire swing attached to the tree house and become part of the pinhole shot, which was a nice treat as well.
At the flying monkeys, I ran into Pleasure Sean, who took a bunch of pictures of me, which is amazing because earlier that day I had wished for someone to take pictures of me so that my outfit would be documented. My outfits must be documented!
In the afternoon I spontaneously strolled into Sacred Space, where they do the pussy spa. I walked up to an RV and said to two middle-aged men "Hi. Are you guys doing spa treatments?" The more clothed of them took me to another RV so we could talk. I felt alarmed to lay down in an RV and bare my vagina to a middle-aged man, but at the same time I could feel that there was nothing to fear. He told me that I was the boss and that I could tell him exactly what I wanted and exactly what I didn't want. He said that he could do many things for me, including a cleaning, a shave, an external massage, an internal massage, a clitoral massage, an orgasm, etc. It was up to me which ones of those I wanted. I opted for a cleaning and a shave but when I noticed how completely respectful and professional he was, I also added an external massage to the mix. His touch was totally non-sexual. I'd like to call his touch "neutral." It was no different from having my hand touched for a manicure. I felt like a baby who is being cleaned by her mother (Mary?), and the human touch felt soothing and relaxing. The sensation was beautiful but not sexual, as if somebody was giving me a head rub. It was an amazing experience of human touch and trust, and not only that, but I was also very clean and smooth afterwards. Cuny Trim and Spa rocks! I would recommend it to any female on the playa. They have been there for many years and will be back again.
That night was burn night, and I hung out with Gerry again. We wore matching turquoise stripes across our eyes, which made us feel pretty badass. Gerry had two wrist bands that entitled us to be on the Purple Palace during the burn, but it was too crowded on there, so we took off. When my mushrooms kicked in, we were near some port-a-potties far away from the burn. I like being far away from the burn during the burn. I noticed that as I looked at the burning man, I felt total emptiness. In previous years I had wanted to release something, for the man to take something away from me, pain or baggage or whatever. But this year there was nothing. I didn't need to let go of anything, didn't need the man to purify me. Everything I had, I wanted to keep. In the past, the release via the burn had felt healing, but now I was already healed. This realization was worth more than what Aras had won when he finished Survivor.
When the burn was over and people started milling about, I started REALLY tripping. The nights before I had consumed only half a mushroom chocolate, but Saturday night I consumed a whole one. It was very intense, but not in a bad way. At moments I forgot that I was human, forgot that I could talk, forgot that I had legs and could walk. I felt like a cosmic blob, a small particle that is a part of a huge universe, but I didn't feel like a person. But slowly I started remembering my human qualities and I started talking to Gerry and lifting my legs. We pushed our bikes over to the Root Society dome. We didn't go inside because it was too crowded and intense in there, but we had fun dancing on the playa. I was wearing a huge blue veil that night, and I danced with it to my own shadow. Nothing but positive thoughts entered my head as I deciphered the messages the mushrooms had for me that night, and I kept squealing and cooing and giggling as I twirled around with my veil like a fairy. After a while I was very thirsty and out of water, so Gerry and I pushed our bikes to my camp to fill up. I told Gerry about my new connection to Mary, and as I told him the story I suddenly stopped mid-sentence and said "Oh my God! I totally look like Mary today!" Mary is always depicted wearing some kind of veil, and I was wearing one as well. Gerry agreed that I looked just like Mary that night. That was trippy.
When we reached my camp, Gerry asked if I wanted to stop by Spike's afterwards, and I said "Yaaaaay!" The idea made me really happy. So we went to Spike's, and I slowly became less high but not any less happy because I was actually really starting to look forward to s l e e p. At Spike's Gerry and I asked if we could camp with them next year, and they said yes. I aspire to become skilled at pole dancing so that I can dance on their stage regularly. I also talked for a really long time to a super nice and super cute boy from New York named Sean, danced to a few dark songs and then excused myself to turn into a pumpkin. I was in bed by about 5.
I did not see a single sunrise this year, and I feel good about that. I listened to my body rather than pushing it just to see the sunrise or to have just a little more fun.
Sunday morning I went to the Root Society's chill dome. It had all these beds in it. I had seen it before and had wanted to hang out in it but it had always been very crowded, and the overly sexual energy had intimidated me. But on Sunday at 11am it was almost completely empty, and whatever energy was present was not sexual, but sleepy. I laid down and chilled for a while, happy to finally have made it there. At some point a guy walking through the dome made me laugh really hard because he said to one of the sleepers: "Hey, do you need a lift out of that K-hole? We've got a fork-lift over there; it'll lift you right out. It's like metaphysical bungee-jumping!"
Later that day a lemonade stand stopped in front of our camp. I had my cup filled with ice-cold lemonade, made from fresh lemons. The lemonade stand had a bubble machine, and I love bubbles and kept saying "Lemonade! And bubbles too!" The lemonade stand guys said that maybe that's what they'll call themselves next year: Lemonade, and bubbles too.
That day was also tear-down day. It's never fun. There was some tension in our camp regarding the timing and order of what needed to be done. Many of us missed the temple burn and were bitter about it. I missed it too but I didn't mind. Shortly after it started burning, Jason and I stepped out onto the Esplanade, watched it burn, watched it fall and then went back to work. It was very satisfying actually.
But there was something else that was knotting up my stomach. Gerry and I wanted to leave at 4 in the morning in order to avoid the playa exit traffic jam. But Jason needed to load all of his stuff into my van, and all of his stuff was in another camp. By 10 o'clock he was still busy tearing stuff down, and I really wanted to sleep. He said I could sleep in his tent in his camp. He said to leave the van keys with him. He would drive the van over to his camp, load it, and it would be ready to bo by 4am. I felt super nervous and didn't trust him. Knowing that Americans are not nearly as punctual as I would like them to be, combined with the fact that we were on playa time made me lose all faith in actually being able to leave at the time I wanted. It came down to control again. I wanted to control when and how I leave, but no matter how much I told Jason what I needed from him, I knew I would not be able to control his actions.
As I laid my head on Jason's pillow, I prayed to Mary that everything would go smoothly. I did not sleep well at all because I was so nervous but also because this was my first time ever sleeping in a tent at Burning Man, and oh my God, it was so LOUD! And dusty!
I did not hear the van arrive. But around 3:15am I heard Jason rummaging around outside the tent. I said "Jason? Is the van already here?" "Yes," he grumbled. I stayed in bed for a little bit longer, and then I got dressed and ready to go. I was on my way to pick up Gerry at exactly 3:57am. I thanked Mary.
I drove straight across the playa to get to Gerry's camp. This took me straight by the tree house. And there was absolutely no line this time. I stopped the van and climbed up, once again in the right place at the right time.
All Gerry had was a messenger bag, which made him the easiest passenger ever. It took us an hour and a half to get off the playa, which was a shorter wait than I had ever had before. We were in San Francisco by 2pm.
In summary I would have to say that this was my best Burning Man experience so far. I felt I was in the right place at the right time more times than is even funny, and the things that I needed kept coming to me on their own volition: Massages, boys, companions, food, drinks, musical selections, even bags of ice. It was a truly blessed week.
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.: posted by Vera
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A very Mary Burning Man 2007 - part 1
Philo had recently given me a book to read called Looking for Mary . He had had a significant relationship to Mary for many years. I didn't think I had ever had a connection to Mary, but I suddenly realized that of course I did: I was named after her! The name given to me at birth was Vera-Maria. And I was raised Catholic, the one religion that honors Mary more than any other. Plus, the synopsis of the book reads The remarkable story of one woman's stumble from darkness in to light, which has felt on and off like the theme of my life. So I was sold.
I started reading the book about a month before Burning Man, and by about a week before Burning Man I was praying to Mary daily. She had become my new manifestation catalyst.
On Saturday before Burning Man I went to the Ryder office to check on my van reservation. The control freak in me wanted to be heard. There I found out that they had totally overbooked themselves and that there was no guarantee that there was going to be a van for me on Monday. But a nice guy named Robert said he would try to have a van driven out for me from the Hayward office first thing Monday morning. The control freak in me was not happy at all.
Shortly after 6am on Monday I called Ryder again, and Robert told me that my van was ready. Whew! I went to pick it up, and at the bottom of my rental agreement it said "Ryder Agent: Mary." I said to Robert "Why is this signed Mary?" Robert said "I work for her." And that was my first Mary miracle.
The second miracle was the arrival of my designated playa boots. On Thursday I had received a notice from the post office about a package delivery attempt. I was sure that the package contained the boots I had ordered from Ebay. I put the note back on my mail box indicating to please leave the package at my front door. But no package came on Friday or Saturday. On Monday on a whim I drove by the post office. The van was packed, and this was my last stop before picking up my rideshare buddy in Oakland. And the post office had my boots! I thank Mary.
I arrived in Black Rock City around 8pm Monday evening, just as the full moon was rising. I tried on my new boots while waiting in line at the gate. I instantly fell in love with them.
By the time I got to my camp, it was about 9pm. I said hi to some of my campmates, most of whom I knew from last year, and then changed from my San Francisco clothes into Burning Man clothes because hey - it was Monday, my favorite party night at Burning Man!
I rode out with Alli and JJ. We knew that Moontribe was having a party at Green Moon camp in honor of the full moon eclipse. But the music was much better a couple of camps down, at Opulent Temple. I kept going back and forth between the two camps, not finding my footing. I did find Shu though, and that made me happy. He is usually one of the first friends I run into randomly on the playa. We saw the full moon eclipse in all of its red and green glory. It made me happy to be at the Moontribe party for this even if psytrance is not my favorite. I did dance a little bit though to test out my new playa-bootified legs. They worked! At some point Shu pointed at a huge flame in the sky. He said "Is that the man burning?" And I said "Nooo! It must be something else." Shu said "It looks just like the man burning."
I went to bed relatively early that night, maybe around 3. On Tuesday I helped my camp set up our chill dome. It was extremely hot and miserable. Luckily I had the sombrero I had stolen from Bret's house before I left. To take a break later I strolled down to the Moonshine Tavern to sit in the shade and people-watch. I was extremely tired and barely had the energy to talk to people. But I did talk to a nice (and handsome) man from Canada who had just had his bike stolen and was very upset about it. Since I had had my bike stolen last year, I was able to give him a more big picture perspective, for which he thanked me. We ended up talking about control, and how no matter how much we want to deny it, we try to control everything at Burning Man. Little things such as putting on sun block or locking your bike are all part of controlling your Burning Man experience. We also both admitted that seeing other people triggers negative thoughts in us, such as "I should be more tribal" or "I wish I had dressed sexier" or "My outfit should be more cyber." But then we discovered that there was a reason we were looking and being exactly the way we were right now, and that if we had really wanted to be more tribal or sexy or cyber or whatever, we would have been that. I think the conversation was very healing for both of us.
I also ran into my friend Emily, and she introduced me to this really hot French guy named Romain who was wearing a police uniform dress. Yes, he was wearing a tight blue dress. He didn't speak English very well, but he was very good at having his tight ass spanked. It was a pleasure to watch.
After Emily and the French people left the tavern, I was sort of rude to a couple of people who tried to talk to me because I was just so damn tired, but I did meet a very nice guy named Joseph who told me about his Camp Cacti, who offer aloe vera and sun block massages. He also told me about Cuny Trim and Spa at Sacred Space, where you can get a pelvic spa treatment. A few days later I noticed that Sacred Space was right behind my camp.
At the end of the day I was not very happy. It bothered me that I was so fucking exhausted. I also started questioning my camp choice. I had discovered that as of that day, there were three couples in our camp - and me. And I didn't know any of them very well. I started thinking that maybe I should have just tagged along with a friend and joined their camp. But here I was at Pinhole Camp because that's where I had camped last year and they had a shower and communal dinners, and my campmates were three couples of semi-strangers from New York.
I decided to listen to my body and went to bed right after dinner, which was around 8:30. I slept all the way until 9 the next morning. I still felt shitty when I woke up and did not want to get up. It was almost as if I was a depressed person who wants to stay in bed all day. I started entertaining thoughts of leaving the playa on Friday.
But things turned around for me that day. I left my camp at some point to wander around and asked Mary to please guide me to a better feeling. I heard some industrial music being played on the 9 o'clock plaza, which meant a glimmer of hope and a breath of fresh air to me. I went to where the music was coming from and found a camp with a hearse parked outside and a bunch of wooden coffins strewn about. I said hi to the six or so people sitting in the camp's shade structure and told them I really appreciated their music. They invited me to sit and make a paper crane. They told me the cranes would go into one of their coffins and up in flames at the end of the week. I wrote the following words on my piece of paper before it became a crane: fun, love, sex, self-esteem, expectations, experiences, control, comparison. I found out that the people I had joined were goths from Santa Cruz. I had a great conversation with Creech, a big guy with a beard and long hair. He was like a big goth teddy bear. I put black nail polish on the nails of one of his hands.
After leaving the hearse camp, I felt much better. The Burning Man spirit had finally entered me, and that feeling stayed with me for the rest of the week. It was good to be back.
Then I stopped by the Pancake Playhouse to find Jason or Jay, who both camped with them for the last few years. This year we were 9 o'clock plaza neighbors. I found Jay just in time to have the last pancake of the day. He told me that Jason hadn't come to Burning Man this year. While Jay and I hung out in their shade structure, I spotted Joseph from the day before. I showed him my fishnet-shaped sunburn and told him I was interested in a massage. He told me that he and this guy Rob were the only two doing massages and that he needed a quick break but that I should come by in a little bit. I talked to Jay for a little bit longer, and then I made my way over to Camp Cacti. Joseph was nowhere to be seen, and nobody there was named Rob either. But a bearded man offered to treat the insides of my knees with fresh aloe leaves. So I laid down on my belly, and he rubbed aloe leaves all over the insides of my knees. It was so soothing, and the light touch alone was priceless. Afterwards I just laid there because remember how I have been saying that I was tired? Then a guy eating a burrito said down next to me. He had eye make-up on and was wearing a sarong. I asked him if he could take a picture of my sunburn when he was done eating. He grinned and said "You got grilled." As I was lying there and he was eating his burrito, he offered me a massage. I said "Are you Rob?" He said yes. I thought "Oh my god, how lucky." After he took some sunburn pictures, he took me to their huge back tent, put me on a massage table (a massage table!) and gave me a full-on professional massage. I so needed this because the last few days of Burning Man preparations while my sister was visiting had been stressful. My left lower shoulder always starts bothering me when I experience stress. Now Rob totally took care of my shoulder. And before I left, he put sun block on my back. What a gift. Can we say Mary?
When I got back to my camp, three new people had arrived: The LA guys. Vytas, Matt and Aras. I had never met them before, but they were all very nice, and cute too. Vytas and Aras are brothers. Suddenly I didn't mind being in this camp anymore. We had just gone from three couples and Vera to three couples, three hot guys and Vera. Whee! A few days later I would find out that Aras had won Survivor a couple of years ago. Can you believe that shit? I camped with a winner of Survivor. It's a very, very mad world.
Gerry showed up a little later because we were going to be party buddies that night. I wore my new black corset, a black crinoline and a black stripe across my eyes. Gerry got excited about Bassnectar and Glitch Mob and Space Cowboys, but I was feeling very resistant to having that kind of a night. I wanted to seek out a more new wave-goth-industrial kind of playa experience. So we stopped by Thunderdome for a little bit, and just seeing the words Death Guild on a huge dome made me very happy. Then we went to Spike's Vampire Bar, which had been one of our favorite night-time hangout spots last year. I even danced on the stage but I didn't feel very comfortable up there with all eyes on me. Part of it was the corset. It's hard dancing in a corset. You have to keep putting your boobs back in, and that kind of gets in the way during a performance.
A little later, Gerry and I followed our ears and ended up at Entheon Village where the Glitch Mob was playing. The music was great, but I was feeling a little off. I felt too tired to dance, plus the whole corset thing. My friend Sid came up to me and said "How rebellious of you." I think he was talking about the stripe across my eyes. I also ran into my friend Kelly and my friend Torreyanna. I wish I could have danced more with each of them, but at the time all I wanted to do was stand back and watch. And I judged myself so heavily for wanting to be a "lame spectator" rather than an active participant that I ended up heading back to camp to sleep. Oh well.
When I was lying in bed I noticed that I was feeling kind of horny, and then I went to sleep. A little later there was a knock on my van door. It was a boy I had met earlier that day, and he asked to come in. I let him in. Since there is nothing really to do in my van but lie down, we laid down and started cuddling and touching each other, and then he started pulling my hair and slapping me around and calling me a slut. It was hot.
Go on to Part 2
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.: posted by Vera
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I really want to write about all the things that happened to me at Burning Man
But I don't have the energy right now. For now, please enjoy the pictures.
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.: posted by Vera
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