Coffee shop land
I have been living in coffee shop land, and I really like it there. The past two weeks I have spent one to five hours every day (including on the weekends) on a freelance Flash project. Most of that work has happened on my laptop at a coffee shop. It doesn't really feel like work; it feels like I'm just hanging out. During downtime, when I'm uploading files or waiting for further instructions, I take breaks to surf the web or knit or write in my journals or people watch or walk somewhere to get a snack. I really like this existence. I roll out of bed whenever I want, I stuff my laptop, my journals and my latest knitting project into a bag, put on my boots and walk down to Ritual (usually that one, but not always). I stay there, see people I know, meet people I don't know and go home when I feel like it. Sometimes the people I am working with call me on the cell phone, but most of the communication happens via Google Talk. I feel free and powerful. And almost every day I have made a new friend. Like the guy who taught me how to purl-knit. Or the guy I ended up grabbing Indian food with. Or the guy I had already met at Burning Man with whom I ended up going to an art show. Or the girl with whom I might get together and knit next week. Like I said, I really like it in coffee shop land.
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.: posted by Vera 
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A potential realization
Many years ago I asked my then-boyfriend what his favorite profession for his girlfriend would be. When I referred to his girlfriend, I wasn't talking about me; I was talking about his hypothetical girlfriend that has the profession of his choice. He said that he didn't know or that he didn't have a preference. I told him that my favorite profession for my boyfriend would be web designer.
It turns out that the desire to have a web designer boyfriend was really my own desire to be a web designer myself because just a few months later I completely immersed myself in Flash.
If I ask myself this question today, the answer that comes up is that I would want my boyfriend to be a film maker. So now I have to wonder if I have a secret desire to be a film maker.
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.: posted by Vera
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Who would I be if I didn't know anything about myself?
I just received my friend Robin's newsletter in which she asks us to ponder the following questions:
Who would I be if I did not know so much about who I am? What would I do if I didn't already have an idea of what I'm willing or interested in doing? What would I try if I had no preferences to bend to or self-image to keep up? What kind of relationships would I have if I had no concept of how relationships, partners, or friends should be? What might I get to experience if I didn't know what was real?
As I read these questions I started tingling all over with possibility. Some of the things I think I know about myself are:
I am reserved.
I don't like my hair very much.
I need at least 8 hours of sleep.
I get my heart broken a lot.
I don't like to wear my platform boots just to go to the grocery store.
Now, what if I didn't know these things and got to start over? I think these are some powerful questions, and I will certainly keep them in mind for the next few days or weeks or months or lifetimes. Thank you, Robin!
For those of you who don't know, Robin's classes made me realize my psychic abilities two years ago. I highly recommend them. Check out her website.
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.: posted by Vera
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I animated the hearts
 My friend Starrie helped me with this year's redesign for Psychic Valentines. She took a photo of me blowing a kiss and turned it into a cartoonish illustration of me blowing hearts at a crystal ball with a rainbow in it. I love it! Then I took those hearts that the cartoon me is blowing and animated them. Take a look and tell me what you think.
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.: posted by Vera
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And now they're listening
Whoever "they" are. The universe, my spirit guides, god. I don't know who exactly but they're listening, all of them. Because suddenly things are rolling smoothly in my life. Pieces are falling into place. I think of something and next thing I know I have it. Except for the sex part. I'm still working on that. That one is tricky. Because I am picky. And so are other people.
Or maybe it's not that something is listening, but that I am emitting positive energy again, which I wasn't for about a month. I was emitting toxic energy because I was feeling bad. But now, thanks to a technique called SOS* that I learned in a meditation class my friend Tracy and I are taking, I am feeling good again and emitting positive energy.**
So what has that gotten me? Let's see, lots of little things:
- I wanted to order a shit load of Moo MiniCards to promote Psychic Valentines. But they have this weird ordering structure where you can only order them in boxes of 100, and for each box you have to pay $4.95 for shipping. So if you order a lot of boxes, the shipping charges become totally unreasonable. I wanted to order a lot of boxes but I didn't want to pay these outrageous shipping charges. So I wrote to them about it. And within a day, a very friendly man from Moo had written me back with two coupon codes for a free box each! That takes care of the outrageous shipping charges, and I am back in business.
- My friend Linda came over on Monday evening for an exchange of a massage for a psychic reading. While she was digging into my back, I noticed that my mouth was hurting and getting really tense. That made me think that I wanted to receive some craniosacral therapy because that could probably help with whatever tension was in my mouth. A couple of hours later I received an email from an aquaintance who was offering free 30-minute craniosacral therapy sessions, and I received one last weekend!
- Then, the reading I did for Linda was amazing and it totally validated my psychic abilities. I really am psychic! That stuff works!***
- Craig from Craigslist was in my taxi on Monday, and my friend Fabian who lives in Munich is going to meet Craig next week because Craig is going to Munich.
- When I first started working with Flash in 2000, I saw this animated software demonstration that was done in Flash which showed how Flash worked. Ever since then I have been wanting to make animated software demonstrations and tutorials in Flash. And recently I had a guy in my cab who works with these guys who specialize in creating these kinds of software demonstrations. He passed on my contact information, and I started working with them last week! AND I was blogspotted by someone in their office building!
- The new gig requires me to work remotely. I have been spending tons of hours in coffee shops with my laptop. Sitting in coffee shops with my laptop (or my knitting or my journal) is one of my favorite things to do, and I now get to do it all the time.
- My mom and my friend Angie had both unscuccessfully tried to teach me purl-knitting. But the other day a guy sitting next to me in a coffee shop taught me how to purl-knit, and now I can purl-knit!
- I found a plane ticket to go to Germany for a week at the end of February, and it was only $500. In the almost-eleven years that I have lived here, I think this is the first time that I have paid that little to go visit my former home.
Life is good when you think good thoughts and produce good feelings.
* SOS:
Stop yourself when you notice a negative thought entering your mind.
Observe where that thought came from and why it is there.
Steer yourself away from it and to a more positive thought.
** Yeah, I like to investigate WHY something is or is not happening in my life. Always. I don't believe in coincidences or in "good luck" or "bad luck."
*** I had lost trust in my psychic sense recently because I felt that it been deceiving and misleading me. But now I know that it's just regarding my own love life that my psychic sense is not that reliable, at least until I get more discerning.
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.: posted by Vera
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Secrecy is whack
I was walking on 24th Street the other day. I was wearing yellow sun glasses, green gloves, a candy-striped scarf and a poofy green prom dress. A woman was walking in front of me, carrying a little girl. The girl was looking at me, and she kept looking. Not taking her eyes off me, she turned towards her mom's face and said "Turn around.." She wanted her mom to look at me.
The mom turned around and then immediately whisked the girl away to look at a display in a window. I knew she did that because in our society it is not okay to point at someone and to talk about what a stranger is wearing so they can hear it. The little girl had wanted to do just that, and that was not okay.
And so we grow up to whisper and to talk about people behind their backs and to keep many things a secret. We get those uncomfortable stares on the subway when you know someone is talking about your outfit. Even when they actually like it, it's still uncomfortable because of the secrecy, because they don't want you to notice it but you still know that they're doing it. All this starts with parents telling their children not to point. "Don't point because it makes people uncomfortable." And it ends with "Don't talk about how much money you make because it makes people uncomfortable." For me personally, it's not these impulses that make me uncomfortable. It's the secrecy and the suppression of those impulses that make me uncomfortable. All this secrecy and suppression is causing a lot of negativity and discomfort in the world.
At Burning Man, it would have been different. At Burning Man, the woman would have looked at me. She would have listened to her child, and she would have turned around and looked at me. She might even have said something like "Yeah, she is wearing a poofy green dress! Look at that!" She would have been open, and she would have taught her child that it's okay to be open.
I'm in line for a ticket right now.
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.: posted by Vera
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Putting the cute in psychic
I redesigned my business card. This is what my old business card looked like.
I repeat: This is my old business card. I designed it in the summer of 2005, I think. I mean, I know.
A few months ago I started running low on cards, so I tried to reorder them from Kinko's. But somehow the resolution of the graphics wasn't good enough even though it had been fine the first time I ordered them. I tweaked with it in Photoshop, but I couldn't fix it, so I gave up.
Today I finally found the energy and inspiration to redesign my business cards. So this is what my new business card looks like.
Thoughts?
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.: posted by Vera
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All Is Full of Irony
Within one week I got an email from my former boss at MacrAdobe, asking if I wanted my old job back and an email from somebody in Germany who is organizing a Flash conference, asking if I wanted to speak at the conference. These emails are such good news--for the old me. For the new me, they are pure irony. I can't say that I am not flattered because I totally am, but the question is: What does this all mean? I got the message, last summer, that while I am getting my new life in order, I should take advantage of my Flash skills to supplement my income. I started doing that again last week and am freelancing for Carat Fusion, the company I talked about recently. So there, I am still listening. But I don't know what I am missing because the pushes from the Flash world keep coming. Clearly I am not meant to take my old job back or speak at any Flash conferences. Maybe these emails are meant to boost my confidence. Maybe they are reminders that I was pretty successful at the Flash thing, and that means that I will be successful at other things I try as well. But still, I'm at a bit of a loss.
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.: posted by Vera
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Steered
The universe seems to be on my side again. Thank god. Maybe that's because I am finally on my side again. I keep finding myself in just the right situations lately.
The other day I read on Christabel's blog about her experiences with theta healing through her counselor friend Dawn, a certified theta healing practitioner. Christabel attributes a lot of her recent successes in life to her sessions with Dawn. This intrigued me but it also raised voices of jealousy. They said "Wait. I'm a counselor. How come nobody calls ME a super counselor? How come I don't have raving testimonials from friends who are becoming superstars? How come I am not a theta healer?" These thoughts didn't feel good at all. But the next morning I woke up determined to become a theta healing practitioner myself. I woke up just knowing that this is what I needed to do. I drove a taxi that day, and at one point an energy worker found her way into my cab. She does theta healing too! Taking this as yet another sign, I poked around online about theta healing. There is a weekend training in Sebastopol in March, and I think I'm going to enroll, and I am super excited. I am so happy that my feelings of jealousy and negativity were steered into feelings of excitement and positivity.
Another magical thing happened yesterday evening. I had a bonding experience with a friend that left me feeling very warm and fuzzy. The emotional backdrop to this is that I am a runner when it comes to social situations. When I meet up with people, I do my deed--like having coffee or eating or having a drink or two or watching a movie--and then I run. Back to my own solitary world where I am the master of my time and space. I have become acutely aware of this recently, and I am tired of it. The Saturday before Halloween, for example, I was at a party which I left around 2. My friends Antonio and Linda left around the same time. They lived next door to the party and asked me if I wanted to come over and hang out for a while. But I declined and I ran because that's what I always do. I needed to get home. To sleep. Or to surf the web. Or to think, or whatever it is that I do by myself that I think is so important. The next morning I regretted it. I asked myself "Why the hell didn't I go with Antonio and Linda? I love them both! I'm sure we would have had a great time!"
But there is another facet to the backdrop. On Thursday I had lunch with my friend Gerry. He told me about this personality model he had stumbled upon that had really impressed him. The way he described it to me is that there are two dyads that describe people: left-brained/logical vs. right-brained/intuitive and male/confident vs. female/nurturing. Based on these qualities, there are four human archetypes: King (left-brained and nurturing), Magician (right-brained and confident), Warrior (left-brained and confident), and Lover (right-brained and nurturing). Gerry told me that everybody starts out as one of the four archetypes, and it is our life's mission to develop the missing parts of ourselves and achieve balance within the dichotomies. This resonated with me very strongly. I asked Gerry "So which one do you think I am?" He replied without hesitation "You're a Magician." "No way," I said. "You think?" Gerry was sure. I told him that I may be a Magician now, or that I could at least imagine it, but that I was pretty sure that I didn't start out that way because I used to be much more left-brain-dominant than I am now. We continued talking about the different archetypes, and I suddenly had a realization. I realized that the nurturing side was completely underdeveloped in me. I had had experience being left-brained and right-brained, and I felt that I was now and probably always had been more confident than nurturing. What I needed was to develop my nurturing side in order to find balance on that axis of this model!
Lacking the nurturing side fits very well with my being a runner. As a runner, you never get close enough to people in order to nurture them. One of my new year's resolutions was already to get closer with people, and now I also resolved to nurture my nurturing side.
Cut to yesterday evening because this is enough emotional backdrop. I went to Ritual and ran into a friend of mine, whose name I won't name. We shared a table and did a little small-talk before we both directed our eyes to our laptops and projects. At some point he received a call on his cell phone, which prompted him to raise his voice and cuss and become generally very frustrated. I kept my eyes on my writing, but after a few minutes I turned to him and said "So what's up?" And he told me that he and his wife were separating. I said "Oh no." And he told me at least an hour's worth of details of his marital problems. And I listened, and I nodded, and I mirrored, and I offered interpretations and viewpoints, and I listened some more, and I genuinely appreciated his opening up to me. And when we got to a wrap-up point in the conversation, he said "Thanks for listening" and I said "No problem." And then I found myself getting ready to run, not because I wasn't enjoying this (I was!) but because that's what I always do. I said to him "I think I'm going to go." And he said "Okay, Vera. Thanks again" and then "I am starving." And that's what steered me again and turned everything around. In a flash of recognizing this opportunity for further bonding and nurturing and, most importantly, not running, I said "Do you wanna get something to eat?" And he, gratefully it seemed, said "Yes! Let's." I said "I can also give you a ride afterwards, wherever you're going. I don't know--I just really want to be there for you. Or something." I felt cheesy saying that but it was true, and he happily accepted my company. We walked to Ali Baba's and while we ate, we talked and we talked some more, and I provided space and support for what he is going through. Then I drove him home and told him that he could call me any time if he needed to talk some more. He thanked me over and over again, and I felt so good to have been there for him.
My history of selfishness and excessive need for independence have in the past often kept me from bonding like this, but I feel that I was successfully steered in the right direction yesterday, and I am going to continue moving in that direction because I like it.
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.: posted by Vera
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New year, new phone
 I picked out a new phone on Saturday. It's the LG 550 aka LG Fusic, and some people also call it the iPod phone, not to be confused with the iPhone though. This is my third camera phone and my first mp3 player phone.
Whenever I get a new cell phone, it feels a little bit like the beginning of a new era. There are new ring tones, new features, new menus and other visuals to get used to. The last few switches have been kind of a big deal emotionally, especially if I associated the new ring tone with a new person that had just come into my life.
Things I like about my new phone:
- The interchangeable face plates. It came with blue, green, pink and black.
- That it's white.
- The dainty little oval buttons that have a turquoise glow.
- It's an mp3 player. The first song I transferred onto it? Why, Let Me Be Your Fantasy, of course.
- The screen saver I picked out has a white background when it's light out and a black background when it's dark out. My phone knows! How cosmic.
 Things I miss about my old phone:
- Some of the text messages that weren't transferred. Some of my favorites in my inbox were "K luv u rainbow" and "I am psychic!" One of my favorites in my outbox was "Vitun ihana!" which means "Fucking great!" in Finnish.
- The background image with the blue sky and the yellow flowers.
- The little winking smiley face that came up after every text message I sent.
- The bubbles that appeared on the screen when I received a text message and that were projected onto the ceiling of my room when the lights were out.
- The memory of seeing the date 05/05/05 and the time 5:05 displayed on it.
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.: posted by Vera
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Something to add to my colorful resume
Today somebody paid me to come to his house and advise him on which colors to paint his walls. I had met him when I went to the Dwell conference in September. He saw the pictures of my apartment that I was showing to the editors of Dwell Magazine and asked me "Can you help me make my place more colorful?" And I said sure.
So today I went to his house, which is only two blocks from my house, and we looked at all the rooms in his house and talked about colors. This was only the first of several consultations because this is kind of a long-term project. He wants to make his whole house really vibrant, and he is just getting started. How fun!
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.: posted by Vera
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Intentions for 2007
You know the drill. First I review my intentions for the previous year to see if they manifested.
These were my 2006 intentions:
1. Feel financially and physically supported at all times. --> Well, maybe about 80% of the time.
2. Be creative in many different ways. --> Oh yes. I started painting, I created Psychic Valentines, I started knitting, etc.
3. Meet people that will benefit from what I have to offer. --> Yes. I met people that benefitted from my friendliness and talkativeness (like in the cab), from my outlook on life, from my counseling skills, from my Flash and translation skills, and from my sexuality.
4. Feel good inside my body. --> Yes, I felt great.
5. Stay a part of the blogging/geek community. --> Yep, pretty much.
6. Be able to support more people and relieve more situations with my psychic skills. --> Yes. In fact, a friend who had seen me for a counseling session a few months ago told me recently that his whole life changed after that and he is much happier now. Wow!
7. Be in a sexually and spiritually fulfilling and enriching relationship. --> Kind of rather no, actually.
8. Have several regular psychic counseling clients that I enjoy seeing every time and that enjoy seeing me. --> No, that didn't happen. I don't have any regulars.
9. Enable a broader range of people to become psychic themselves. --> Um, no, unfortunately, I never did teach a psychic awareness class. But I do think that I enabled select people to trust their own intuition more, and that is something.
10. Share the empowerment I felt after quitting my job. --> I think I did that, yes.
11. Go to Utah again or Hawaii or Colorado or all of the above. --> I went to Hawaii.
I am going to write my intentions for 2007 in a slightly different format: At the end of the year 2007 I want to be able to make the following statements.
- I improved my relationship with myself.
- I stabilized my financial situation.
- My girlfriendships are thriving.
- I sold art.
- I attracted more counseling clients.
- I found that emotional, sexual and spiritual connection I had been seeking.
- I turned a book idea into a book proposal.
- I was in my body a lot: I ran, I jumped, I swam, I hooped, I did yoga, I danced, I bounced on trampolines, and I swang on swings.
- I created many things I am proud of.
- Psychic Valentines were a success.
- I did some modeling.
Ready, set, go!
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.: posted by Vera
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Happy New Year 2007
To celebrate the new year I went to a party at my friends Angie, Jamie and Susan's house. They all live together and decided to throw an alter ego-themed party. I went so that I could dress up as my alter ego, Veragoth. I guess the next logical step would be to buy veragoth.com. Don't think I don't know that.
I know that the blue shorts aren't very goth-like, at all, but they had to be part of the outfit. They just had to. If you were to ask god, he would agree that they definitely had to be part of it. And the boots? Wearing them makes me feel like I own worlds.
My favorite part of the night was perhaps the walk home. I was alone and got a perspective on New Year's and the city that I had not known before. I walked from 21st and Potrero, where the party was, to 24th and Dolores, where I live. And I felt a little bit like an unseen observer of what happens in the city a couple of hours after midnight on New Year's. It wasn't anything spectactular; it was just something to observe. I heard music everywhere I stepped. I saw Christmas lights and altered people walking and filled cabs driving around. Thugs singing along with a hip-hop song coming from the radio of a truck and hipsters swaying in front of a bar. I wasn't completely unseen because a short Latino guy said "Hey baby" and a short Asian guy said "Happy new year" as we crossed paths on the sidewalk of 24th Street. I heard the sounds of a person throwing up. I saw a girl who, like me, was walking alone and she looked at me with eyes that were hoping to find solidarity. I saw a couple on the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street, and the woman was trailing a huge star-shaped balloon. It made me smile. Another thing that made me smile was a loud and altered reunion in the middle of an intersection of five uniquely dressed people, hats and tights and pink and argyle. A cab honked at them, and I wanted to be friends with them. I turned my head to watch them for a few seconds before going on my way.
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.: posted by Vera
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