Manifestations for 2005
I didn't use to believe in New Year's resolutions because like many people, I didn't think that they were very effective. But now that manifestation has become my religion, of course I believe in New Year's resolutions.
So here are mine for this coming year:
1. Write a post about manifestation. (I realize that this is the first my blog has heard about this, so I will clue you all in to my new wonder weapon.)
2. More sex, please. (VERY important)
3. Less caffeine. (Enough with the coffee already! No more coffee! No more!)
4. Start yoga and quit the gym. (I have seen this one coming for a long time but I wasn't ready yet.)
5. Have a healthy body and soul and car. (I thought it might be bad luck to only wish health upon my car.)
6. Allow all feelings to hit me 100%. (No more anti-depressants. I took my last one today, yes sir. They haven't helped me an inch in the five months I have been taking them, so they can go back to where they came from. Yes, I have been taking anti-depressants. The blog didn't know about this either.)
7. Spend more time by myself. (I never ever thought I would say this EVER.)
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.: posted by Vera 
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Send some help
Brittney's and Amy's posts have prompted me to donate to the International Respond Fund to help relieve the Tsunami survivors. I am posting the donation link again here because maybe it will inspire someone else to donate who hasn't already. Could it be YOU? Do it. You will feel better afterwards.
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.: posted by Vera
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The good news is
- that the sun came out today for first time since I have been back, but that it is raining again now that I am about to lay my head down and listen to it cozily.
- that the year that is about to start is 2005, and 5 is my favorite and lucky number, so it will have to be better than 2004 because really, what kind of a number is 4 anyway? 1985 was good, 1995 was good, 2005 will have to be good.
- that I am really starting to get into the book I am reading. With all the preternatural discoveries I am making these days, magic and witches and energy planes are exactly what I needed to be reading about right now. Thanks, Maryann!
- that after starting out the day awfully by waking up from a wonderful dream that left me feeling totally abject, I did manage to turn things around and ended up having a good day.
- that two friends called me in the middle of the day today, perhaps "knowing" that I needed a friendly voice in my ear.
- that the sun called me out into the park, and that I quickly pushed aside the guilt and just accepted that I needed to be in the park at that moment, and that when I later returned to work, I finally finished a task I had been putting off for weeks.
- that a general impression is congealing that I possess creative talents that I have been disowning for years, and that this impression is becoming louder and crisper even to me and that I think I am almost ready to find out what they are.
- that I find it easier than ever to keep going with my fast because not only does it bring with it superficial, corporeal benefits but also intrinsic, nonmaterial ones.
Could I possibly change any more in one year? Tell me, dear reader, does it show how much my insides have changed? Sometimes I think that I'm about to take off or that I'm already gone.
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.: posted by Vera
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I'm back and it's raining
I made it through the full moon flight and am back in San Francisco. My flight left Düsseldorf at 7:25am local time yesterday. That meant that we had to leave for the airport around 4am. My sister and brother and I decided to stay up all night until it was time to leave. My friend Julia, my sister's friend Jana, my brother's girlfriend Anna and our cousin Johannes decided to join us too.
I took about two and a half shit loads of pictures during my visit. It's an, uh, eclectic mix of pictures - some expected ones of happy people, but also including an apartment series at my brother's, another apartment series at my sister's, and a collection of textures at my parents' house.
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.: posted by Vera
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Sibling rivalry and other stuff
Julia dropped me off at the train station on Tuesday, and I took a train back to Münster. There I went shopping for another hour and bought a super cute rainbow hoodie, size extra small, that is way too tight for me, but I had to buy it anyway. If you see ever see me looking like a rainbow sausage with a hood, I'm probably wearing it.
Then I walked over to my dad's office so that I could get a ride home with him. I hadn't been to his office and many many years, possibly since before I left the country eight years ago. I took a nice picture of the building at sunset. He has been working in that building since 1965.
The next morning I went over to my aunt Inge's house. We had breakfast and talked for a few hours, mostly about esoteric stuff and a lot about the fact that I'm in my head too much. We both know that I have made a lot of progress in that area -- in fact, my aunt was amazed by how much I had changed spiritually since the last time we saw each other -- but I still have a long way to go. Then we had lunch with my 16-year-old cousin Johannes. I am always amazed by how nice and open-hearted he is, no matter which stage of adolescence he is in. He is thinking about coming to the U.S. as an exchange student for six months next year, and he is hoping to end up in California. I would be absolutely thrilled if he did.
That afternoon I went over to my grandparents' house for three hours. It was as sweet as strawberry ice cream with honey on top. My grandpa showed me a drawing I had made in 3rd or 4th grade. It was titled "Meine Klasse beim Fangenspielen" (My class playing catch), and it included an illustration of every kid in my class running around the school yard, complete with their first and last names spelled out next to them. We used to play catch during recess every day between 2nd and 4th grade, girls against boys, and it was what I lived for at the time, especially if the boy I liked tried to catch me.
That night my dad and I drove to Münster to pick up my sister and her boyfriend Wolfgang who were coming in from Cologne via a carpool. My mom, my brother and my brother's girlfriend then met all of us at a Chinese restaurant where we strategically filled our bellies until they popped.
Later we emptied six bottles of champagne. My sister, my brother, Wolfgang and I stayed up until about 6am. At one point I brought up something rather uncomfortable. I said that sometimes when my sister and brother get into a one or two hour conversation with each other and nobody else while I am SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO THEM, I feel very excluded, and I wonder why it keeps happening every time I visit. It has been making me sad for several visits now. They said something like "How can I leave the country and expect to be as close to each of them as they are too each other?" Of course that was not what I wanted to hear. But they also said that they feel the same way a lot of times, my sister when she finds out about my brother's and my frequent IM conversations and my brother when my sister and I have one of our girl talks. That made me feel a little bit better, but I still don't understand why they have to have marathon conversations that exclude me while I am right there. And I am just not assertive enough to intercept or insert myself into the conversation. So yeah, this kind of sucks and I don't know what to do about it. I guess this is what I get for leaving, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
Today is my sister's 27th birthday. I just took a bath in her new almond milk bath oil, a birthday present from my brother and his girlfriend. My body now feels like a giant baby's butt.
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.: posted by Vera
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D'dorf
My sister's housewarming party -- or rather, housewrecking party -- was a big success. My brother Stefan, his friend Stefan, my sister's friend Jana and I drove to Aachen together. My sister lives in a huge four-bedroom apartment with high ceilings and lots of nooks and crannies and two cool boys and one cool girl. I can see why she is very happy there (she wasn't very happy earlier in the year when she still lived in Cologne, but she is very happy now).
I got to meet my sister's new boyfriend Wolfgang who is also very cool and super nice. Wolfgang, Bianca, the two Stefans, Jana and I all occupied the same table in Bianca's kitchen for most of the night - it was quite possibly the loudest table that laughed the most. I think everybody else at the party hated our unstoppable cackling, but we didn't care!
None of us felt so great the next morning, but again, we didn't care.
And now I'm at my friend Julia's in Düsseldorf. It's always so great to be here. Overheard when Julia was on the phone with a girlfriend last night:
"Oh, tonight? I think we're going to watch a video, and I may or may not have to make two penises."
Editor's Note: Julia did make two penises that night. And then sewed them onto men's underwear as Christmas presents for two of her guy friends.
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.: posted by Vera
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Home body
My first 24 hours in Germany have been heavenly. My mom picked me up at the airport and drove me home. As usual, she had cookies in the car.
After I had some of my mom's home-made cheesecake, she and I drove to Münster to pick up my brother. When home again, my mom, my dad, my brother and I drank champagne and talked and looked at old photos. After my parents went to bed, my brother and I had another beer and stayed up talking until 3:30am.
Luckily I was able to go to sleep right away and didn't wake up until noon the next day. My brother and I quickly ate a very yummy lunch and then drove to Münster together. Stefan had a class and he dropped me off so that I could go shopping for a couple of hours. After his class and my shopping, he picked me back up and we went to his apartment, which I had never seen before and in which he lives with his girlfriend. It's a really cute and colorful apartment. We sat on the couch and drank tea, and then his girlfriend came home and we talked for a while. Then my brother and I drove back to my parents' house.
I know these things all sound very simple and quotidian, but these 24 hours literally have been heaven for me. I am sooooo glad to be home right now. It's exactly what I need right now. I could not imagine a better place to be right now.
And tomorrow my brother and I are going to Aachen to stay the night at my sister's who is having a housewarming party, and on the way back the next day I am getting dropped off of at my friend Julia's in Düsseldorf where I will be staying for a day or two, and then my sister's birthday is coming up next week and then Christmas...
I am just so happy to be here right now.
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.: posted by Vera
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The Return of Sexi Reware
On my Walk of Shame on Saturday, I checked my messages and Emiko had called, reminding me about the fashion show the next day. I had completely forgotten!
It was pretty much the same fashion show as the one we did in May. I got to wear the same outfit. Seth and I did our little hoop-dee-hoop on the runway.
There are some pictures that were taken with my camera.
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.: posted by Vera
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Relapse
On Saturday I kept inhaling my bra because it still smelled like the very nice boy.
Today I am taking out the trash and leaving it on the street. I quite like the image of him sitting next to the recycling bin, waiting for the truck.
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.: posted by Vera
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Coming clean
There are two things that I should probably not keep you in the dark about any longer.
1. I'm going to Germany this Wednesday. I will spend Christmas with my family which I haven't done since 1998! I will go to my sister's housewarming party in her new apartment! I will meet my sister's new boyfriend! My brother volunteered to cover some of the seasonal premium I had to pay for the plane ticket! And I only have to take three vacation days since my company gives us off the whole week of Christmas!
2. I have been on a diet for almost two months. I know that I am already thin but I discovered a few months ago that sometime between February and July I had put on ten pounds. That just wasn't going to fly with me. I thought that if I don't do something about it immediately, next thing I know I might put on another ten pounds, and then next thing I know I might be FAT! No no no. So for several months I tried to eat less. But I failed miserably because I could just not get that voice to shut up that kept saying COOKIESCOOKIESWHEREARETHECOOKIESIWANTCOOKIESCHOCOLATE! But on October 23rd in a rare moment of appetite loss brought on by ugly emotions, I went on a hunger strike. And then I just kind of kept going. And I'm still doing it. I just don't eat much. At all. And when I do eat, it's mostly fruits and vegetables and protein bars. So far I have lost six or seven pounds. And I'm not stopping until I'm at 135 pounds again, motherfuckers! How come I can resist the COOKIESCHOCOLATE voice now? Because I finally realized (and keep reminding myself) that the pleasure you get from eating, say, an entire Rittersport Knusperkeks lasts only about five minutes. But the pleasure I get from knowing that I have an empty stomach and am losing weight lasts all day long. Do I sound like I have an eating disorder yet? Cool! I have always wanted to be anorexic!
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.: posted by Vera
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Thank you, universe
Dear Cute Boy with bike in front of the art school that I saw last week and then again today,
Next Tuesday I'm going to try to leave work at 7:10pm again so that I'll walk by the art school right as you get out of class, and then maybe we can smile at each other again.
See ya [if I'm lucky]!
Vera.
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.: posted by Vera
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I have another question
Two years ago I asked "Have you ever wanted to ask somebody from your past a question?" Well, I have another question. The name of the person I want to ask a question this time is Christopher. I met him in 1993 during my first-ever trip to San Francisco. He was the younger brother of the woman I was staying with. One day during that trip Christopher came and picked me up on his motorcycle, and we went to a coffee shop. It made me feel all grown-up. It wasn't a date or anything, just a nice thing for a college student to do for an exchange student that is visiting San Francisco for the first time.
I have now lived in San Francisco for two and a half years. I still have NO IDEA where that coffee shop is. And believe me, I have been looking. I know that it's somewhere in the northeastern part of the city because that's the only part of the city that has a combination of tall buildings and steep hills. I also know that it's on the corner of an intersection.
Today I saw a coffee shop that might be it. It's called Franciscan Croissant. It's on the corner of Grant and Sutter. The way it's situated on the corner with the chairs outside already rang a bell. When I saw the name, Franciscan Croissant, I felt like a giant was bending down to me and violently shaking a bell as tall as myself right next to my ear. But when I walked inside the coffee shop, I wasn't convinced. I thought that we had sat at a wooden table, but there were no wooden tables inside, only a counter by the window. The sales counter also looked different from the image in my head. Of course, they might have remodeled. I also could have sworn that the streets that cross at the coffee shop were steeper. But I could be misled by the steep streets we took to get to the coffee shop.
The question I would like to ask today is: "Christopher, brother of Anne Marie who was 22 years old in October of 1993 and was going to SFSU, remember when you took me to that little corner coffee shop on your motorcycle? Was that on Grant and Sutter? If not, where was it?"
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.: posted by Vera
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I never noticed that e-card sounds very similar to something else that is very different
When Sarah B. wrote recently that her "father actually spends $12 a year to subscribe to BlueMountain.com," I thought "Wait! *I* spend $12 a year to subscribe to BlueMountain.com!" And then I realized that I hadn't sent an e-card since my then-co-worker Alexis' then-birthday in October of LAST year. So I called BlueMountain.com today to cancel my account. But the friendly woman on the other side of the line asked me if I would like to keep the account for $8.95 a year instead of $13.95, and I said "Sure!" I normally don't fall for these kinds of baits during a cancellation call because I practice my firmness for days in advance before picking up the phone, but this was different.
And here is the best thing about my detoured cancellation call this morning: The friendly woman on the other line told me that I can give away two one-year subscriptions to BlueMountain.com for FREE! Do you want one? It's yours if you are one of the first two people to respond with your email address.
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.: posted by Vera
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